10 Tips for Hard Conversations
Many years ago, I was in a leadership orientation class called Crucial Conversations. It is still one of the most memorable classes I’ve ever taken. Perhaps it is my bias that communication skills are some of the most important skills a human can possess, but something about that class really struck a chord with me.
We learned how to have a crucial conversation. And while this class was part of a job requirement, what we learned didn’t just apply to the workplace. We could apply the skills and techniques we learned in many conversations with our family members, friends, teammates, and neighbors.
All conversations are kind of important, aren’t they? It is our time to truly listen and understand someone, and to provide our thoughts, opinions, and advice. What we say matters. And the words we choose are important. You may have heard that sometimes saying nothing at all is the best thing you can do for someone. That is often true in a situation where the person is just wanting to vent, and you are simply an ear to absorb their thoughts and feelings. This is not the situation in which I am discussing here. Here I am talking about having a conversation. It is a time when you need to convey a message and communicate important thoughts.
Answer these questions to determine if you’re about to have a crucial conversation:
Is there risk involved?
Are there differing opinions?
Does one person or the other have strong emotions on the matter?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should carefully plan your conversation by taking the following steps:
Determine the issue and level of severity for all parties involved. Is this an isolated event? Is it a recurring problem? Is it personal? How many people are affected?
Take the perspective of the other person in which you plan to have the conversation. How do you think they feel about the event?
Understand the reason for the conversation. Why is it important? What are the various outcomes if nothing was said or done? What is the preferred outcome?
Choose the right time and location. Each conversational partners full attention is needed. Be sure to allow for the proper time and place. Ask the other person if the time and place you choose is good for them.
Introduce your intent. I’m hoping we can come to an agreement about how to move forward…
State the problem. This happened and it’s not okay because…
Suggest a resolution. Decide before your conversation what you believe will fix the problem. Allow the other person to give their suggestion. Is there another way to fix the problem? Which is the best way? Perhaps this can’t be decided in one conversation. That’s okay. You can end your conversation saying you will each thing more about the suggestions given.
Summarize the conversation and plan for a follow-up conversation. Did you come to a resolution? If so, great! Plan to assess how it’s working out at your next conversation. Didn’t come up with a resolution yet? That’s okay too, but you will need to meet sooner so you can come to a conclusion during the next conversation.
Be aware of your speech. Did your volume go up? Did your pitch rise? Did your rate of speech become faster? Be sure to maintain normal volume, varied intonation, and keep the same pace. Check yourself frequently. Challenge yourself to remain calm, cool, and collected, even if your communication partner does not.
Be careful with apologies. We often say sorry when we feel like someone is upset, which is often the case in a crucial conversation. Don’t leave your apology up for interpretation by saying “I’m sorry.” This allows the other person to decide what you are sorry for. Instead say “I’m sorry this upsets you, but it’s important we come to a conclusion.”
With careful thought and a little planning, hard conversations can be successful for all people involved. When in doubt, refer to these tips. Practice having more complex conversations by discussing debatable topics like artificial intelligence, ethics, social media, and renewable energy. Reach out if you want help.